"Moscow Region" of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Russian Federation: my review of the departmental sanatorium
DDear friends, have you ever thought about how to spend your vacation, relax your soul and truly unwind? No, we are not talking about the luxurious resorts of the Krasnodar Territory or the exotic foreign beaches of Phuket. Today I invite you on a fascinating journey to the very heart of the Moscow region! Imagine: just 65 kilometers from the noisy capital, and you already find yourself in a completely different world. In a world where majestic pine trees seem to be trying to reach the sky, where the air is so clean and fresh that it seems you can scoop it up with a spoon, and from the all-consuming silence sometimes your ears start ringing. Welcome to the Podmoskovie sanatorium of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Russian Federation - a place where rest and treatment are intertwined in a bizarre pattern of unforgettable impressions!
Location and how to get there. Or how I almost became a "mountaineer"
How did I end up in this amazing place? Oh, that's a whole story worth telling separately. The story of how I almost became a professional climber without even realizing it. Let me share this exciting adventure with you.
Oh, the road to this paradise is a real odyssey, full of unexpected turns and surprises! If you naively believe that getting to the sanatorium is just a matter of technique: take the train and arrive, then let me dispel your illusions. Not so!
Let's start with the fact that the electric trains from Belorussky Station seem to live their own special, mysterious life. Their schedule is a real puzzle for puzzle lovers. Here you are, full of enthusiasm and anticipation of a vacation, arriving at the station, and out of the blue: "The next electric train will be in three hours." What do you do? Of course, engage in sudden cultural enlightenment and begin studying the architectural features of the station! Who knows, maybe at this very moment you will discover the talent of an art critic in yourself?
But finally, after several hours of waiting and contemplating the bustle of the station, you find yourself in the glorious city of Zvenigorod. It would seem that this is the finish line? Are you already mentally inhaling the pine scent and hearing the birds singing? No way! Now you have an exciting quest under the code name "Find bus number 23 or 51". This task is not for the faint of heart, believe me! And when you finally find it (if, of course, luck is on your side), a truly exciting adventure awaits you - climbing a mountain with a suitcase. This is where you can feel like a real conqueror of Everest! Who said that for extreme sensations you need to go to the Himalayas?
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the existence of the sanatorium bus. But my friends, this bus is a real mystery, shrouded in mystery. It is like a capricious beauty – it comes and goes as it pleases. You can arrive at the appointed time, full of hopes and expectations, but see only a cloud of exhaust gases dissolving in the distance. Romantic, isn’t it? Who thinks that travel should be predictable?
Room with a view of... pine tree
So, having overcome all the obstacles and tricks of fate, you have finally reached your destination! Congratulations, you are a real hero! Your name is worthy of being written in gold letters in the book of records of the sanatorium "Podmoskovie". But do not relax, the adventures are just beginning. Now you will have an equally exciting process - checking into your room.
Do you know what is the special charm of the Ministry of Internal Affairs sanatoriums? Everything here is subject to a strict charter! Even the arrangement of furniture in the room is regulated by some "secret" instruction. By the way, we are talking about ordinary "standard" type rooms, although they can actually differ significantly. After all, there are quite a lot of departmental health resorts in the Ministry of Internal Affairs. You can find a full list of the Ministry of Internal Affairs sanatoriums here https://sannal-mvd.ru/sanatorii-mvd-rossii-polnyj-spisok-i-opisanie-vedomstvennyh-zdravnicz.html. Relevant and without unnecessary fluff.
Imagine opening the door to your room and seeing… Oh, my! A huge wardrobe that seems big enough to hold a whole platoon’s wardrobe. Now you can fit all 228 T-shirts and 150 pairs of socks that you, a prudent traveler, brought with you. But what if there’s a sock crisis at the resort? Better be prepared for anything!
Next, your gaze falls on the bathroom with a shower. The main thing here is not to get confused and not to mix up the taps. Otherwise, you can accidentally give yourself a contrast shower. Although, who knows, maybe this was exactly what was included in your treatment plan? It invigorates, you know, no worse than morning exercises!
And now – attention! Drumroll! I present to you the main attraction of the room – the refrigerator. Yes, the very one that mysteriously settled on the shelf in the closet. Why is it there? Now that, my friends, is the million dollar question. Maybe to keep your clothes from overheating? Or is it part of some secret experiment? Who knows, maybe this is how employees are taught to think outside the box?
But the most interesting thing is, of course, the loggia. With a view of... that's right, a majestic pine tree! The very one whose image will haunt you in your dreams all the days of your vacation. Believe me, by the end of your vacation you will know every needle on this tree. Who said that a vacation in a sanatorium is boring? You will become a real expert on pine flora!
Oh, I almost forgot about one small detail! There is no electric kettle in the room. But why do you need one? You are in a sanatorium, not on a picnic! Want hot water? Great! You have a wonderful opportunity to take a fascinating walk to the second floor to the cooler. Consider it part of your therapeutic exercise. Who said that recovery should be easy?
The Canteen: A Place Where Dreams Come True
Now let's talk about the holy of holies of any sanatorium - the dining room. My friends, have you ever dreamed of being in a place where food appears as if by magic? Well, the dining room of the Podmoskovie sanatorium is exactly such a place! A real paradise for gourmets and adventurers in the world of cooking.
A real gastronomic journey awaits you here. Borscht? Please, rich and aromatic, as if it came straight from the pages of your grandmother's cookbook! Buckwheat with a cutlet? Even two servings! Each cutlet is a work of art, created by the caring hands of the sanatorium's cooks. And for dessert - that same legendary casserole, about which legends are made. Yes, yes, the very one you have been dreaming about all these years without even knowing it!
And guess what? There's even red caviar! No, you heard right. Real red caviar on a sandwich. True, finding it in a sandwich is a separate exciting quest. But that's what all the fun is about, isn't it? Who decided that food should just be food? At the Podmoskovie sanatorium, even the process of eating turns into an exciting adventure!
Now, attention, question: guess what's for dinner? No, not a cutlet with pasta, as you might have thought. Milk jelly! Yes, the very one you so stubbornly refused in kindergarten. Now you have a unique chance to make up for lost time and appreciate all the delights of this mysterious dish. Who knows, maybe at this very moment you will discover an unexpected love for milk jelly?
Treatment: When a Doctor Is Almost a Psychic
But a sanatorium is not only a place to relax and enjoy culinary masterpieces. It is, first of all, a place for treatment and recovery. And this is where the real magic begins!
You come to the doctor, and she seems to already know all your illnesses, even those you didn’t even suspect. How? And this, my friends, is a military secret! Maybe they have a special disease detector? Or do the doctors at the sanatorium have supernatural powers? In any case, be prepared to be prescribed procedures with such mysterious names that you will feel like a participant in a science fiction film.
Magnetic therapy? Sounds like something from the X-Men arsenal, doesn't it? Ultraphonophoresis? Try saying that word three times in a row and you'll automatically get a degree in quantum physics! But don't be scared, my friends. All of these procedures are actually very useful and pleasant. Just trust the experienced doctors of the sanatorium and allow yourself to immerse yourself in the world of wonderful healing.
How about visiting a salt cave? No, this is not a place where they get salt for your borscht. It is a special room where you just… breathe. Sounds simple? Try it! Especially when Uncle Vasya is sitting next to you, who seems to have decided to compete in the volume of his snoring with a jet engine. But don’t worry, this is also part of the treatment. They say that the sound vibrations from snoring enhance the healing effect of the salt cave. At least, that’s what seasoned vacationers say.
But the most interesting thing is, of course, the pool. Oh, this pool! 12 meters of pure, unclouded pleasure! True, to swim from one side to the other, you will have to make about one and a half strokes. But what strokes they will be! Each of them is a whole event, worthy of getting into the Olympic chronicle. Who said that size matters? In the sanatorium "Podmoskovie" you will learn to appreciate every centimeter of the water surface!
Leisure: When Being Bored Is a Crime
Now let's talk about leisure. Do you think it will be boring in the Ministry of Internal Affairs sanatorium? No way! Here you will find a real parade of entertainment, capable of satisfying even the most sophisticated lover of active recreation.
Want to watch a movie? Please! True, the movies shown here will make you feel like a passenger in a time machine. Back in the 80s? Congratulations! Now you have a unique opportunity to refresh your memory of all the hits of Soviet cinema. Maybe it is here that you will finally solve all the mysteries of the film "Seventeen Moments of Spring"?
And what about dancing? Oh, that's a whole other story! Where else can you see stern retired colonels dancing wildly to "Apples on the Snow"? Only here, my friends, only here! This spectacle is worthy of getting into the Guinness Book of Records. Believe me, after such an evening your view of modern dance will never be the same again.
But the most interesting thing is, of course, the "Miss Sanatorium" contest. This is where the real passions unfold! Who said that there is no place for high fashion in a sanatorium? The participants prepare for this event with such zeal as if it were the "Oscar" of the beauty world. You will see a fashion show in dressing gowns, a talent contest with the performance of ditties, and, of course, an intellectual contest, where the participants will show off their knowledge of the MVD regulations. Believe me, this show will outshine any fashion show in Paris!
For sports fans and those who simply want to be healthy and in shape, there is, of course, a large gym for mass team sports, as well as a fully equipped exercise machine.
Excursions: educational but fast
And now, my dears, let's talk about excursions. Have you ever dreamed of visiting a museum in 15 minutes? No? In vain! Because that's exactly how much time you can be given on some excursions at the Podmoskovie sanatorium. These aren't just excursions - they're a real sprint through the sights!
Imagine: you are brought to a beautiful monastery. You are in anticipation, take out your camera, adjust the lens... And then the guide says the magic phrase: "We have exactly 30 minutes. If you don't make it, you're late!" And a real obstacle race begins. You need to have time to take a photo against the backdrop of the main cathedral (preferably so that other tourists running past don't get into the frame), run inside, light a candle, buy a souvenir and... Oh, time's up! Get on the buses!
But don't worry! Even if you didn't have time to really see anything, you'll have unforgettable impressions of the speed with which you moved around the sights.
Territory: Where Squirrels Rule
Now let's talk about the territory of the sanatorium. My friends, this is not just a territory - it is a whole world, full of wonders and unexpected discoveries!
Have you ever walked along paths that wind between centuries-old pines? And inhaled the air that seems like you could spread it on bread instead of butter? No? Then this is definitely the place for you! Every walk around the sanatorium is a small adventure. You can unexpectedly find an old gazebo lost among the trees, or stumble upon a mysterious path leading into the unknown. Who knows, maybe you will be the discoverer of a new natural wonder?
But the main masters of this territory are squirrels. Yes, those same furry creatures that seem to have set themselves the goal of driving all vacationers crazy. They jump from branch to branch, steal your nuts and generally behave as if they are the ones in charge here. Or maybe that is true? Who knows, maybe it is the squirrels that are the real keepers of the secrets of the Podmoskovie sanatorium?
These little rascals put on a real show for vacationers. They can suddenly appear from behind a tree when you least expect it, or chase after your sandwich. And their acrobatic tricks on the branches! Believe me, the Cirque du Soleil is nervously smoking on the sidelines. So don't forget to take some nuts with you - and you will provide yourself with a free show for the entire vacation period.
And there is also a temple here. A real, functioning temple right on the territory of the sanatorium! Imagine, you go out for a run in the morning, and here – the ringing of the bell! Beauty! This is not just a place for prayer – it is a real island of peace and tranquility in the hustle and bustle of sanatorium life. Even if you are not particularly religious, it is worth going there at least for the atmosphere. Who knows, maybe this is where you will find the answers to all your questions?
So, is it worth going?
So, my friends, we have come to the main question: is it worth going to this sanatorium? And I will answer you: definitely yes! Where else can you get such a cocktail of adventures, treatment and rest? Despite all the minor disadvantages, this is not just a sanatorium - it is a whole universe full of amazing discoveries and unforgettable impressions.
Yes, there may not be fancy rooms with Jacuzzis here. Yes, the equipment in some places may still remember the times when Yuri Gagarin was just preparing for his flight into space. But there is a soul here! A real, living soul that you can't buy for any amount of money.
At the Podmoskovie sanatorium you will learn to appreciate the simple joys of life. You will understand that happiness is not a luxurious room in a five-star hotel, but the opportunity to enjoy every moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem. Here you will discover talents in yourself that you did not even suspect. Who knows, maybe it is at this sanatorium that you will discover the gift of a writer, inspired by the local beauty, or reveal your potential as a dancer at evening discos?
So pack your bags, stock up on patience and a sense of humor, and go ahead – to meet adventures in the sanatorium "Podmoskovie"! Who knows, maybe it is here that you will find what you have been looking for all your life. Well, or at least have a good rest and get some treatment. And this, you must admit, is already quite a lot!