7 Days of Silence: Retreat on Koh Samui

PThe reasons why I decided to go on a retreat will not be of interest to anyone, but it is worth noting that you should not expect something specific from your decision, for example, that you will solve this or that problem in your life, become happy, or something like that.

Don't expect anything at all, just come and watch. Behind yourself, your condition, thoughts. I personally came there for one, and in the end I got a completely different one, but this “other” turned out to be no worse. Passing a retreat is not a universal method and is not suitable for everyone, so it’s still worth weighing everything more than once before buying tickets to Thailand.

Arrival on the island, acquaintances and new friends

My experience is very subjective, but it cannot be different, we are all different people. Moreover, if you are seriously thinking about going on a retreat, then on my own I would advise you not to read any reports, including this paperwork, but go for your own feelings, impressions and conclusions :))

But if you still want to get a little in the know, then listen ... This time there was a record number of people on the retreat, about 65 people, a good third of which are Russians, who, unfortunately, are famous for the most frequent violations of discipline and most often leave on the halfway. In 2019 retreats on Koh Samui in Thailand for Russians are held separately from the 3rd to the 10th day of each month.

The day of arrival is introductory. You arrive, are accommodated in the female or male dormitory. Dormitory, that is, there are two dormitories, respectively - male and female. You are told about the rules, they give you a tour of the territory of the center, which is quite large and picturesque. The vow of silence takes effect on the evening of the same day.

The beginning of acquaintances with the participants of the race

I was sitting on a bench and a charming elderly woman approached me, it seems from England, we met.

Lana, what are you doing here? she asked. (Immediately a question arose in my head: when did she manage to remember my name?)

It would be difficult for me to explain it in Russian, and to do it in English I certainly would not have succeeded. Instead, I replied:

- Looking for... I drawled slowly.

- Do you have children? she suddenly asked.

- Not yet…

Her further phrase made me think, and she confidently said:

“That's why you're here. When I was as old as you are now, I didn’t even think about any searches, meditation and the meaning of life. It's simple - my two girls. The whole meaning of life was in them ...

And I also had to think about this later ...

My new girlfriends

We were sitting in the dining room - me, the sociable Olya from St. Petersburg, the party girl Alison from France, who immediately after the retreat gathered for the Full Moon Party on Koh Phangan, and the German Olga, who was born in Russia and speaks excellent Russian. We sat and quietly laughed at "how we got to such a life." It was hard to imagine that in just a few hours we would be silent and not even make eye contact.

Each of the participants chooses a simple job for themselves, which will be performed throughout the retreat. Olga and I from Germany chose to wipe the dishes after breakfast, lunch and evening tea. After constant meditation and lectures, a little physical work was only a pleasure.

Olga and I became friends. It's fun to make friends without saying anything. We worked together, we sat side by side during meditation, we wanted to take care of each other, we silently and without asking shared repellents and pillows with each other.

Once, during evening tea, she just hugged me silently, it was very touching and somehow natural, we both understood something that could be understood without using speech at all.

Day One - Time can last forever

We were guided in time by the sound of the bell, which was impossible not to hear. Legs and back, during sitting meditation, wildly numb, about calming thoughts, there was not even a question. I quietly glanced at the others, they were sitting so intently. Am I the only such loser? Later I realized that I was far from alone.

Separately, about meditation while walking or standing. It was difficult for me on the first day to take it seriously. I watched from the side how soulfully we walk, looking at our feet and trying to feel every step. Someone froze and stared at one point, someone spread the leaves of the tree in front of him and looked at them. It was very reminiscent of a walk of patients in a psychiatric clinic. I just wanted to shout “People, why so serious?”

The first day exhausted me so much with boredom, and my back was numb and aching, that my wooden bed seemed to me a soft feather bed, and after lights out I immediately passed out. Although the "cribs" we all had to sleep in are not particularly comfortable for sleeping, I did not notice this on the first day.

Day Two - Run!

They say that according to statistics, the most difficult days of the retreat are the first, third and sixth. But the second day was the hardest for me. I really wanted to escape the meditation center under the cover of night.

I didn't like everything. The framework into which I was driven, a large number of people who, although they were silent, but it seemed that I felt their thoughts, how they were waiting for breakfast, then lunch, then lights out. From the hall of the hall for evening tea, you could see the sea, boats and a piece of the coast. “Real” life was in full swing there.

There was a wild desire to jump on a bike and ride around the island, so that the wind in your hair, salt on your lips. I wanted a big latte from Starbucks. The brain tossed clues:

- What are you doing here, why do you need all this, because you can do everything yourself. Just don't tell anyone that you're gone, don't turn on your phone, rent a bungalow on the beach, ride around the island, meditate, because you already know the theory, why limit yourself to these walls…

I felt very sorry for myself, all the insults surfaced in my head, and such disappointment arose that during the break I burst into tears in a clearing, alone, right in front of the Buddha statue. And he was smiling... Probably, these tears were very necessary for me. At that moment, it became much easier for me and I fell asleep, calmed down and I no longer wanted to run away.

There were also positive moments on this day. I made friends with my body, learned to relax and was surprised to find that with my neglected scoliosis and stoop I can easily sit with a straight back for at least an hour.

Day three - the retreat haunts me

I think that when I was heading to the Dipabhavan meditation center on Koh Samui, I subconsciously wanted to get some extra peace and complete spiritual relaxation, but for some reason they did not come. Sometimes it seemed to me that everything was happening exactly the opposite.

“I wanted peace here, but the feeling that I was locked in the same room with my inner demons…” With these words, I began my "interview" with the monk Tan Hubert.

Each participant is given such an opportunity on the 3rd and 4th day. The retreat naturally exposes all the shortcomings of our character, you begin to see them clearly and clearly. And you don't know what to do with it yet.

– I can’t stop thinking, I can’t focus on breathing, I constantly argue with myself, argue with you during lectures and some people annoy me, although they are silent and I don’t even know them ...

Tan Hubert reassured me, advised me not to scold myself, but simply to observe:

“After all, what you see and notice is already wonderful, so the practice begins to work for you ...

Another thing happened that day. very clear change. This is an increase in the feeling of beauty and closeness to nature. It was as if someone took the remote control and increased the brightness on it, and I began to notice something that I had not noticed before. I admired an unusual beetle that hid in the foliage, snails crawling on huge leaves, a nimble lizard, raindrops frozen in the needles of a coniferous tree.

In the afternoon, a heavy downpour began, which seemed to me the most wonderful of those that I have ever seen in my life. We were doing our afternoon work when it started, and we watched and listened spellbound. I looked back at the girl Anya from Perm, who at that moment was wiping the table and saw in her eyes that she understood me and felt the same. It was a very pleasant feeling.

Separately, about the animals living in the center. Cats and dogs are treated kindly with attention (who else to give it to if you are silent all the time) and feel like full-fledged owners of the territory. Everyone's favorite character is a three-legged cat. It is said that she lost her leg in a fight with a snake. At the same time, she is capricious and absolutely does not complex about her tripod.

Once, during meditation, she jumped onto the pedestal to the monk Cyril and, without calming down, demanded attention until he was distracted from his important occupation and began to stroke her. And sometimes, with a roar on her three legs, she galloped around the meditation hall, distracting everyone and making her laugh silently.

On the night from the third to the fourth day, my subconscious mind tortured me with dreams. They were hallucinogenic, scary dreams. I killed a man, slowly and in detail seeing everything that happened, my apartment was on fire, but I could not go up to the house to put out the fire, because I had to overcome 1027 steps that I could not give in to. The cat sitting on monk Kirill's lap during meditation looked into my eyes and silently said in my head the words in the voice of the monk Tang Sukhachito, who teaches us to meditate - "Feel your breathing."

Day four - there is a contact

The sound of the morning bell did not stop. How cold it is today, getting out from under the covers on such a day is a real feat. And why didn’t I take warm clothes with me at all, at least socks, because I knew that the weather in these places is changeable. You know what's more refreshing than an ice cold shower? That's right - an ice-cold shower on a cold day.

But how nice it was to do yoga under the sound of a downpour. On that day, I took a blanket with me to meditation, wrapped my legs, warmed up, tried to calm down and listen to my breathing. And I finally heard it. I will never forget this feeling.

My brain continued to give me some thoughts, but not at all like before. They surfaced slowly, like pictures, memories that I had long forgotten about appeared. I looked at them, absolutely not giving any emotional coloring, as if from the outside watching some other person, unfamiliar to me. There was peace, total silence. This feeling was repeated in the following days several more times.

The evening of the fourth day coincided with the celebration of Christmas Eve before Catholic Christmas. And you know, we celebrated it! Everyone - Buddhists, Catholics, Orthodox - came to light candles in the dining room in the evening after Tang Sukhachito's speech. It was an insanely touching moment, many could not hold back their tears.

Day five - day of silence

On that day, it was announced that all lectures were canceled and replaced by meditation. Seven and a half hours of practice! I thought it would be insanely hard to endure, but the time flew by surprisingly quickly for me. Although, what to say, we are tired.

A charming old woman from England dozed off while meditating, leaning against a pillar and nodding her head sweetly in her sleep. Alison built herself a real armchair from mats and pillows and it seems that she also snored from time to time, people fidgeted, yawned, examined their nails. But such a complete immersion paid off, the feeling of calmness was repeated more and more often, I felt that I was advancing in my practice.

Day six - two gifts

On the last day of the retreat, our usual schedule was transformed into a pleasant change. After lunch, we were loaded into pickup trucks and taken to meditation, in two wonderfully beautiful and energetic places.

The first was high in the mountains and from its height a view of the entire island opened. The second is Laem Sor Pagoda on the seashore. Perhaps, on a normal day, these places would not have seemed so beautiful to us, but when you are in a confined space for 6 days, then looking at the seething life, albeit from the back of a pickup truck, feeling the warm sea with your feet was a real gift for us.

Day seven - retreat results

In the morning, after the last meditation, we were given back our things, our phones, and we were allowed to talk. Hearing the sound of his own voice was strange. I really wanted to call many and say how much I love them. Friends and relatives asked - how is it? It is difficult to explain.. But it is almost impossible to answer such a question immediately. If only this way: - Cool, sometimes hard and unusual.

I am happy that I got this experience and I think that I will definitely repeat it more than once. Many things fell into their natural places in my head, I realized for myself that many things are much simpler than we think about them.

The retreat helped me learn an interesting and useful practice and allowed me to more or less understand the essence of Buddhism. He also gave me a lot of new international friends and a nice bonus - the habit of getting up early and exercising, I hope that this is for a long time.

I would like to say that the passage of a retreat should not be perceived as “passed and forgotten”, it is necessary to practice after. Its meaning is to teach, and any learning without further practice is quickly lost.

And by the way, another interesting point. I came to the retreat with injuries after a fall from a bike. In a week, even a deep wound on my knee healed on me, like on a dog. I shared my observation with Sergey, who, like me, was trained at a meditation center. His answer was simple and self-explanatory:

“Well, mother, are you on a retreat for the first time? This is a common situation. And it is not limited only to the physiological state, now we are on the crest of a wave ...

Well, then, now we will conquer the world :))

Once again I want to say thanks to everyone who gave us the opportunity to get this experience, you are doing a truly great job, and especially to the Russian curators and Tan Hubert, who gave us the opportunity to do this partly in Russian.

Irina Zalesskaya for Travelgide.ru